And then, we carry on...

Sorry it's been a while since I last posted, life has been a bit crazy. A few weeks ago we found out that my mother has cancer, my sister in-law had an emergency appendectomy, and I have had another couple big personal issues come up. It has seemed that this it too big for me. I mean, why is all of this happening now, at the same time.

As I was driving to my mom's surgery I was a bit stressed out about that and another personal issue, both were weighing heavy on my heart. I turned the radio on, and met with God. It was one of those time you hope will happen everyday. In my broken and desperate state God met with me, right there in my car. Each song that came over the radio for that hour long drive seemed to speak right to my condition. I cried, I vented, I communed with God. When I arrived at the hospital the procedure was taking place at I was much more at peace and knew that whether God's plan matched mine or not He was still God.

God's peace is a wonderful thing, but I screw it up all too often. I have it, then I doubt it, then I don't. I seem to be perpetually falling into a pattern of worrying that God's plan will not match mine, as if I have a good plan...

In my mind I know that God's plan is perfect and that He has the best in mind... in my human heart I wonder if God is going to allow my mother to pass away as He did my grandparents. I lost all my grandparents to cancer by age 13, I do not wish for my kids to go through life with no grandparents. I trust God, but at the same time I find myself worried that His plan and mine will not match and that I am going to have to deal with much more than I want to.

I guess I'm tired of the standard church answers. They are true, but they often remove the struggle from the equation. We tell people struggling to just trust God and to preserver, that God has it under control. All true, but does that remove their valid mourning? Does it make people feel guilty if they question God, are mad at God...?

I recently had a student who wanted to meet with me (they have been having quite a few issues recovering from a surgery). When we met, she told me that she had just met with the doc and he told her that she will never be able to play basketball again (her sport). In fact there are only two sports she would be able to play, needless to say she was devastated. As I sat there I heard her saying all the right things "God has this under control, I trust Him" "He must have something better in store for me" . I asked, "so how are you really doing?" she broke down. We speak truth, but we leave out the struggle of the Christian life. We speak in roses and leave out the fertilizer.

I found myself needing to be an encourager of real emotions as I met with this girl. she didn't need me to fill her with flowery sayings, she needed a place she could be mad at God, scared about her future, frustrate that she can't do what she loves, and scared to tell her dad because she felt like she was letting him down. So there we sat, we cried together, I listened as she struggled through it and at the end we agreed that it was gong to be tough, but at the foundation of it all was God so it would be good.

I don't want to live in denial of my struggles and doubts, my anger and frustration. I believe that that is what builds us into who we are to be. I don't want to be okay with the fact that my mom has cancer, I'm not. God and I talk about that daily. It doesn't change the fact that I totally and completely trust him though. I trust a lot of people that i get frustrated with or mad at. God's is big enough to handle the emotions that He gave me. It will be through His power that I will make it through this and will be a newer, more complete person because of it.

So I guess my bottom line is that life happens, God reigns, and I don't have to like what happens. I'm learning it's ok to not be ok with what is going on. Life happens and then, we carry on...